Bereavement

What is Grief?

Grief is a misunderstood and neglected life process. Because responding to losses and death is often awkward and uncomfortable for both grievers and helpers, those concerned may avoid dealing with grief. Grief is a normal and natural response to loss. Whether the loss involves the death of a loved one, the end of a special relationship, becoming disabled, or some other loss–and whether the person is a senior citizen, a child, or a college student–anyone can experience loss and grief.

Grief is a combination of feelings that occur as a result of losing someone or something very special to you. It is commonly an intense experience of sadness, pain, and emptiness that involves your mental, social, and physical being. Grief is not constant nor does it go away after a brief amount of time. Bereavement and mourning are part of grief. Bereavement is the actual state of suffering a loss, while mourning is the process a person goes through to relieve or resolve grief.

When is it appropriate to grieve?

How you grieve is as much of an individual experience as why you grieve. Grief and bereavement are most commonly associated with the death of a loved one because, for many, it is the most life-altering type of loss. However, death is not the only loss that people grieve. Grief can result from losing a pet or a job, losing physical capabilities, loss of good health or the discovery you have a chronic illness, just to name a few. The loss of anything significant to you can cause grief.

When a loved one’s health begins to deteriorate, family members often experience many losses. They may expect to grieve over some losses, but are surprised with all the unexpected losses associated with the major loss. People experience expected and unexpected losses very differently.

Stages of Grief

Kubler-Ross, one of the most well known scholars on loss, has designated five stages of grief, which often occur in this order:

Denial: Denial occurs when you first experience the loss. You may deny the severity of the loss or even pretend that it is all a bad dream that you will be waking up from shortly.
Anger: You begin to realize the severity of your loss and be enraged that this loss happened to you.
Bargaining: At this point, you may think that if you go to extreme efforts, the loss will disappear or reverse itself.
Depression: This occurs when you realize the severity of the loss as well as your powerlessness. Not even anger can help you deal with you grief during this stage as the grief engulfs you.
Acceptance: Finally you begin to accept the loss and take steps to deal with it. You may still feel that sadness or some anger, but you are now one your way to recovering from the loss.

It is important to point out that not everyone experiences these stages the same. People do not progress through these stages one at a time without ever experiencing the previous stages again. For example, you may feel fell like you are in the Acceptance Stage and suddenly regress back to the Anger Stage. You need not feel like you have lost all the ground you had worked so hard to gain. Recovering from a major loss is a process that takes time. There will be setbacks throughout your adjustment. Keep this in mind and work through each setback at your own pace. Also, some people skip stages completely and/or go through the stages in a random order. If you feel hopeless and would like to talk to someone, you may want to make an appointment with a therapist.

Just as there is no single pattern of grief, there is no single way to help a grieving person. Both the grieving person and any friend who is trying to help may feel unsure and uncomfortable. Just be yourself and remember that you are helping just by listening and being with the grieving person.

Grief can make you feel completely off-balance. You may feel unable to tell if you are reacting to situations normally or abnormally while in the midst of your pain. You might not know what to do with yourself from moment to moment. At the same time, you may find that grief is not the only emotion you experience after a loss.

Any of these emotions and reactions may sneak up on you when you least expect it. Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed — they are normal and natural reactions to loss.

While everyone experiences loss differently, some common feelings and reactions are:

Exhaustion: You may experience both emotional and physical.

Relief : You may feel relieved that your loved once is no longer suffering, especially if the person was ill for a long time.

Anger: You may be upset that the person you loved has left you.

Guilt: You may feel guilty for surviving, or for still experiencing happy moments or being able to laugh.

Crying: Crying is your body’s way of letting go of grief. Some people (often, men) feel they should not cry. In some cultures, men feel pressure to hold back their tears and be strong for others who are grieving. Some feel that crying is a sign of weakness. In reality, bottling up grief for whatever reason generally causes greater distress, which can surface as mood swings or extreme anger. Emotional stress can also place stress on the body, causing physical symptoms such as ulcers, digestive disorders, or high blood pressure.

Depression: While grieving you may need to rely on trusted friends and family to provide emotional and practical daily support.